


The Sound Of You

by troubledwolf



Category: Sebastian Stan - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Chaptered, Drama, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff, Romance, Romance & Drama, Sebastian Stan - Freeform, sebastianstan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-10 08:28:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11687868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/troubledwolf/pseuds/troubledwolf
Summary: Sebastian and Ezra had shared one thing that was only theirs.Listening to music.They entered into their own world whenever they listened to music. With one earphone stuck to each's ears, they listened to anything and everything in their own tiny bubble of a world. It was part of what kept their friendship together, they had the same taste. To them it didn't matter what the genre was or who the artist was, as long as it sounded good they would listen to it. And with that, they shared a past that kept a strong friendship. But years later, after being struck with the reality that is life, what direction did they go to? What direction did they take?Author's Note: I'm sorry if the progressions will seem slow, just take it all in and enjoy the story :)





	1. Destination Unknown

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this, from one fan to another. Feel free to listen to any song you like.

_Life is so strange when you don't know_  
How can you tell where you're going to  
You can't be sure of any situation  
Something could change and then you won't know

**August 10 2017  
Manhattan, New York**

“Hey, did you hear me?” Olivia said as she pulled off Ezra’s earphones. “What?” Ezra said nonchalantly. Olivia sighed, which was then followed by her eyes rolling She chuckled a bit before leaning forward on the table, her hands clasped together. “God, what would I do to you?” Olivia said as she smirked at her best friend. “Do to me?” Ezra was just completely confused, at this point she was like some lost puppy who didn’t know where she was even going.

It was 10:43 AM on a gloomy Monday morning. Ezra Sterling was out with Olivia Tate. Years ago if you had told Ezra that she and Olivia would end up as best friends Ezra would have given you a look of confusion (as she had felt right now) and Olivia would just laugh at your face. The two were complete opposites. Olivia was a true New Yorker, someone who was as awake as the city was, who was as lively as Times Square. While Ezra was your textbook introvert. Kept to herself, quiet, tends to always have this look of confusion. But that wasn’t her true nature really. Given the time like Olivia had, one would slowly realize that Ezra was down to earth, friendly, chatty and tends to ramble at times even when she wasn’t nervous. But with her earphones constantly glued to her ears you’d perceive her as this girl who didn’t want to talk to you.

Rubbing her already red nose, Ezra took another sip of her orange juice which had gotten warm. “Are you getting a cold again?” Olivia asked as she held onto her cup of warm coffee. Black, no sugar, just black. That’s how she took it. She loved the bitterness of it all. Even joking that her life was basically bitter like coffee. “No, its just itchy.” Ezra said as she scratched it once more. Olivia rolled her eyes once again. Shoving her hands in her bag she tried to look for that Vicks Inhaler. Olivia bought it awhile back when she began to notice that Ezra kept getting a red nose, even people at their office have succumb to calling her Bambi. Because it was less rude compared to naming her after Santa’s reindeer.

“Here.” Olivia said as she practically chucked the tiny thing at her. “I thought you said me shoving this up my nose makes me look like I snort lines of coke at wannabe Studio 54 clubs?” Ezra said as she twisted the cap and slowly inhaled the menthol scent, and it felt like Independence day for her nose. “Yeah but it beats having to hear you constantly snort. You do realize why they call you Bambi back at Revolution right?” Olivia said as she finished what’s left of her coffee.

Ezra knew what people thought of her. She was insecure like that. But that was a trait of hers that endeared one person in particular. No not Olivia, but you could chalk her up as one of those people.

  
**May 16, 2005  
Little Falls Gymnasium**

“Hey did you guys see Ezra?” Sebastian asked as he scratched the back of his hand. The two people he had asked simply smiled and shook their heads. “Okay thanks.” Sebastian said quickly as he was about to head off. “Sebastian Stan where do you think you’re going?” He was stopped by his English teacher, Ms. Yates. “I was just heading for the men’s room.” Sebastian smiled, all cocky. But even his teachers could see through him, after all, they spent more time with him than his parents. “Get back in line, the march has started. Your mother is out there hoping to see you walk down that blue carpet the school had rolled down. Now go out there, graduate.” His teacher said as she held onto his shoulders and spun him around.

As the number of students were decreasing and disappearing through the doors of the gymnasium, Sebastian found himself tip toeing and looking left and right. “What’s wrong?” Miller, Sebastian’s friend asked as had a fruit roll up stuck to his teeth. “I can’t find Ezra. I didn’t even see her before I came here.” Sebastian said as his eyes continued to wander. “Well she better be here, she’s the valedictorian after all.” Miller said and Sebastian smiled at his friend. He saw Ms. Yates scolding another student, he saw this as an opportunity to sneak away.

-

It felt like the room was getting smaller. Breathing was basically impossible for her. Ezra held onto the counter, as if bracing herself for what might come. “I- I… Can’t…” Her breathing got worse. She then began to feel her cheeks get wet, tears were strolling. “God, get yourself together.” Ezra told no one, it was aimed at her. She felt so nervous, for the first time in her life she wanted to just hide in a bubble. After years of being part of student council, writing for the school newspaper and volunteering for every possible charity, Ezra thought that it was enough to make her feel comfortable, less nervous. She even debated about joining the debate team but she found herself joining anyway.

The sound of the chemistry lab door opening caused her to jump, hitting a rack of test tubes that fell to the floor and broke into pieces like it was snowing. “Oh my God…” Ezra said as she stared at the broken pieces. “I’m not graduating. I broke the test tubes they won’t let me graduate. I’m not gonna be a valedictorian. They’re going to make Uptight Trina the valedictorian.”

Sebastian watched as Ezra immediately dropped to her knees and began to pick the broken pieces of glass with her bare hands. Sebastian knew better, Ezra had sensitive skin that even holding onto her left marks. He quickly ran to her and kneeled right next to her. Grabbing her hands and trying to make her stop but it was too late, little cuts were spread across her hands. “Ezra stop.” Sebastian said as he forced her to look at him. “Are you alright?” Sebastian asked as he looked at her.

She was crying, but he knew it was the anxiety. He figured this would happen but he usually saw early signs of Ezra’s breakdowns before they happened, they gave him enough time to help her through it. “Breathe.” He commanded her as he rubbed his thumbs across the skin of her soft hands. “I’m not gonna graduate. I broke the test tubes. Those cost money. The school doesn’t have enough funds. I’m screwed!” Ezra freaked and Sebastian couldn’t help but laugh.

“Shut up, stop being ridiculous. No one saw but me. They can replace test tubes. You will graduate, you are valedictorian. And you will be valedictorian as well when we graduate high school.” Sebastian said and Ezra stopped wheezing and looked at her friend. “I’m not ready for high school!” Ezra freaked once again. Sebastian simply gave her a grin.

She was ridiculous, that’s what he thought often. Sebastian moved to Little Falls in New York when he was only 5. His neighbor was Ezra, and their bedroom window were facing each other. They were like your typical teenage best friends. But when Ezra grew older, became aware of boys she didn’t have any solid basis of what boys were really like except for Sebastian and Miller.

“We have about five minutes before the march finishes. I think that’s enough time to listen to at least one song, just to get you relaxed.” Sebastian said as she grabbed his silver iPod from his pocket. Ezra fixed her sitting position and had her legs crossed like Sebastian. The two faced each other and Sebastian struggled to untangle his earphones. “I told you not to just shove them in your pocket. This is why you practically spent an entire semester worth of college tuition on earphones this year alone.” Ezra said as she rubbed her nose.

“Ha!” Sebastian exclaimed as he was successfully able to untangle them. He tucked away her hair behind her ear as he placed the other piece of the earphone on her ear. His thumb went through a list of songs until he settled on The Beach Boys playlist.

 _Wouldn’t be nice if we were older,_  
then we wouldn’t have to wait so long.  
And wouldn’t it be nice to live together,  
in the kind of world where we belong.

“I’m not ready for high school. I want to stay here, in this chemistry lab with these empty test tubes and beakers forever.” Ezra said as her eyes stared at the wall, while the sound of The Beach Boys became a trance. “Sure. Live here. Along with Mr. Barker and his yellow stained stink pits.” Sebastian joked and Ezra laughed. “Hey, there they are.” Sebastian said relaxed. Ezra had a confused look on her face. “Your shiny teeth. You could do a Crest commercial.” Sebastian said as he leaned forward. “I use Colgate.” Ezra corrected him.

For the rest of the song Ezra looked down at her hands. She was beginning to feel the stinging pain of the cuts. “Hey.” She looked up at Sebastian. Giving her a soft smile, he told her what she needed to hear.

“I’ll always be here.”

-

**August 10, 2017  
Vinyl Publishing, Hawthorne Building - Manhattan, New York.**

Ezra stared at the white blank page of her laptop. Her eyes dead, her fingers on her lips, the possibility of chewing on her nails was a given but she didn’t really want to chew them, especially since nail polish was chipping off.

“Where is it?”

Ezra jumped from her seat. She looked to her right and there stood her boss Larissa Tara. Larissa was going through her messages, tossing messages she didn’t think were of important, even when they had urgent sprawled over them. “Where’s what? Weren’t you supposed to arrive tomorrow afternoon?” Ezra said as she began to pick up the messages Larissa had tossed.

As she tossed the last one Larissa sighed, a sad look on her face. “My new adventure had a heart attack when he saw me in a bikini.” Larissa said and Ezra’s eyes grew. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry Larissa.” Ezra said. “It’s fine I have a date with a stockbroker tonight.” Larissa said as she made her way into her office, Ezra following like a puppy.

Larissa Tara was like Olivia Tate. Filled with life. She belonged to New York. She dressed as if she came out of the 80s but it didn’t mean she didn’t look good. Larissa was raised in Morocco, but her parents were from Kenya. She waited till she was 16 years old, took a relationship with an older English gentleman that whisked her away after she had emancipated herself from her parents. She inhabited the English accent and spent the final years of the English man’s life with him. She eventually was named his only inheritor and she took that money, sold his home in Essex and moved to New York to work for a fashion magazine, Revolution.

But that was short lived. After working as an assistant to the Editor-in-chief when Larissa thought that she was finally about to inherit that position, she was shoved aside for Jacob Rhodes. The son of Vinyl Publishing president. Larissa was told that Revolution needed a man’s touch and perspective to which she replied with colorful words. The president chalked it up to childish tantrums and moved Larissa to be set as an agent for numerous authors that were published under Vinyl. Larissa wanted to refuse at first but she thought that maybe she could get back to Revolution. So she agreed with the condition that she got an assistant, which sounded ridiculous but if anyone knew Larissa, they might as well just say yes.

“Tell me, how many times did he pick his nose in an effort to see if he can scratch his brain?” Larissa said as she had her arms crossed, looking across the office space at Jacob Rhodes office, who was flirting with more than one intern at Revolution. With budget cuts in an effort to keep Revolution a top priority, Larissa’s team was placed in the same office space as Revolution. It was a clean cut to see the difference. Revolution’s side was more colorful, as opposed to Larissa’s section which was grey with the exception of her office.

At first she despised the idea of having to share the same office with Jacob. Even having to breathe the same air as him gave her a rash, but she thought of it as a way to plot against him. You see, Larissa wants that Revolution job badly. And she succumbed to acting like children as Jacob’s father would put it as they constantly fought, bickering nonstop. How could anyone forget the paintball fiasco from two years ago when Larissa thought it would be a good idea to redecorate Jacob’s office in which he retaliated by bringing in a paint gun and shooting it at Larissa’s behind, beginning a war that wouldn't end.

“Disgusting.” Larissa commented as Ezra shook her head. “Your father called by the way.” Ezra said, this caught Larissa’s attention. With a brow raised she asked Ezra what he wanted. “He said you should come home for Christmas.” Ezra replied as she began to fix Larissa’s messy calendar. “Christmas in Morocco is so boring. I don’t see why Americans are so fascinated with Morocco.” Larissa replied. “Probably because you’re from Morocco.” Ezra said and Larissa shrugged as a reply.

Ezra walked back to her desk, setting the folders she took from Larissa’s office, she exhaled loudly. Sounding as if she was stressed out. From where she was seated she could see Larissa glaring at Jacob from her office. She chuckled quietly, it really was ridiculous how childish her boss could be. She began to feel her phone vibrate. She fished it out of her pocket and the caller ID showed Olivia’s drunk face, a photo that Ezra took of her best friend from the Christmas party last year. Olivia had too much eggnog.

“Why are you calling me?” Ezra answered as she spun her chair around to look at Olivia who was about seven desks away. Olivia’s mouth opened, she had her hand on her chest, she looked dramatically offended. “Okay first of all that was a rude, second, hello to you too.” Olivia and Ezra chuckled. “How’s Larissa? I can see her burning holes through my boss’ face.” Olivia said, squeezing her phone between her ear and her shoulder as she began to type away a new article. Ezra felt jealous at the sound of the keyboard smashing, she knew what Olivia was doing.

Writing.

“My boss acts like she’s a 15 year old out to take the Prom Queen crown from your boss who acts like a 7 year old. What are you writing about?” Ezra replied as she switched from her phone to her bluetooth, fixing Larissa’s schedules and stamping which one had to have a backup plan in case Larissa decided to go off on another adventure.

“I’m writing about bad boys.” Olivia teased and Ezra rolled her eyes.

“I’m just typing down questions I have to ask the guys I’ll be interviewing. The first one I have is scheduled for later tonight.” Olivia sighed as if she didn’t seem all too excited with the interview. Ezra was a bit surprised, if there was anything Olivia loved more than drinking and partying it was handsome men.

“Wanna come?” Olivia asked and Ezra laughed. “No, go ahead and have your fun with potential boyfriend number 50.” Ezra joked. “Hey, dates don’t count. Only serious relationships. Are you sure you don’t want to come? The guy I have an interview with is real interesting, that and he actually hails from your little town of Little Falls.” Olivia got Ezra hooked. Little Falls was small where everyone knew each other, even if they weren’t close or friends you’d know who was who.

“Really? What’s his name?” Ezra asked and Olivia scrolled through her laptop searching for the interviewee’s name. Ezra dropped her pen and extended her arm to the side trying to reach for it.

“Sebastian Stan.”

At the mention of his name, Ezra was taken aback and immediately falls off of her chair, with folders following and a couple of pens. Everyone who had heard began to look around. With furrowed eyebrows, Olivia wondered what that sound was.

“Ezra?” she called out as she stood from her chair, looking from across the room towards her best friend’s desk. Ezra immediately stood up and looked at Olivia from across the room, gave her a thumbs up and sat back down.

“Are you okay? I heard you fall. I can’t tell if I heard you through the phone or in the room.” Olivia said trying to hold in her laughter. “Yeah I dropped a pen and my attempts of getting it was stupid. Anyway, you said Sebastian Stan?” Ezra said and Olivia confirmed.

“Apparently, he’s this guy who inherited a shit ton of cash from some old woman. And it's not like the grandmother trust fund grandchild bullshit, he was in a relationship with this girl. She was basically his sugar mama. The age gap was 20 years, she could have been his grandmother for all we know. The guy got lucky though, he inherited enough to live the rest of his life rich and happy.” Olivia said as she began to open her Facebook account, clicking on Ezra and her chat log she immediately sent Ezra a photo of Sebastian.

“There, I sent you his picture.” Olivia said.

Ezra opened the chat and she saw Sebastian. It had been a while since she last saw him but he looked the same, just a bit older, but nonetheless the same handsome Sebastian Stan she knew from Little Falls. She marveled at the photo, she felt somewhat relaxed.

“He’s quite handsome, and he’s now loaded so maybe I can get lucky. You know what, forget my invite, I’m going alone. I’m going to do my job and maybe flirt.” Olivia said and immediately hung up before Ezra could even react. Ezra continued to stare at Sebastian’s photo. The last time she had seen Sebastian was when they were seniors. The week before graduation.

 

**September 7, 2009  
Little Falls**

Ezra stared at her almost empty red cup. She’s only had one but she had been at the party for almost 2 hours now. Everyone else was buzzed except for her. Miller had thrown a party for the senior class. As predicted, Miller got into Princeton. His parents were proud but all Miller really cared about was just getting out of that small town. Everyone felt that way. All except Ezra.

“Hey noodle.” Sebastian sat next to Ezra, the smell of alcohol was floating around him, but he looked fine, the typical handsome Sebastian that he was. As the years flew by Sebastian just became ever more charming. But that was who he was. He was a charming guy, everyone liked him, even if he tended to be a pain in the ass.

“What’s wrong?” Sebastian set his cup down, a concerned look on his face. “Nothing.” Ezra replied with a weak smile, diverting her attention back to the cup. “Hey…” Sebastian called out softly as he sat closer, their legs touching. “I’m moving to Toronto.” Ezra said and Sebastian had suddenly felt more sober than ever. He didn’t expect Ezra to move that far. He knew that after high school all of them would part ways for college, but he figured since Ezra loved being around her parents that she’d go to NYU as she had explained before. But Toronto, that was too far, even for Sebastian.

“Wow.” Sebastian said as she sat back down, his legs apart, hands dead down on his lap and his eyes elsewhere as he tried to process the information. “I got a scholarship to the University of Toronto, and I figured since it was a full scholarship ride my parents didn’t need to pay for anything, they can spend whatever money they have left on themselves.” Ezra explained. Sebastian didn’t reply, he was still processing the first information while the second pended.

“I’ve only told you so far, my parents have their anniversary coming up so I figured I’d surprise them on that day instead. Besides, I wasn’t even sure if I was going to take it you know. I kind of felt scared and unsure but then it would be stupid of me to decline that, it's an opportunity.” Ezra continued, unaware of the fact that Sebastian didn’t seem to take the news all too well.

“I feel extremely lu-”

“What about me?”

Sebastian finally spoke, cutting off Ezra mid sentence. The small smile she had on her face slowly vanished. She was finally seeing her best friend. Sebastian had a somewhat annoyed face. But his eyes showed all the emotions that were true. They were filled with sadness. His eyes were as gloomy as the weather in London. It was like that cliche, the eyes are the windows to the soul, in this case it was completely applicable. Ezra had learned that after years and years of knowing Sebastian that his eyes always told the truth. That even if Sebastian said nothing, all she had to do was look into his eyes and see what he was feeling.

And it was all too clear to her that Sebastian was feeling pain.

  
**August 10, 2017 - 8:49 PM  
Vinyl Publishing, Hawthorne Building - Manhattan, New York**

The day had finally ended. A lot of people had already left and the late night custodian was beginning his duties. Around 3 PM Larissa had left the office in an attempt to coax the Revolution Seamstress who worked a floor below with the others to allow her to borrow a dress for her date that night. Olivia had left earlier to head to her interview, but of course she didn’t go without asking Ezra again, in which she declined all too quickly. But because Olivia was running late she didn’t have enough time to actually think about it.

Packing up the last of her things Ezra grabbed her house keys and headed for the elevator. On the ride down she kept thinking about Sebastian. She couldn’t get rid of the thought of him sitting at some bar with Olivia in an interview that she knew all too well would turn into flirtation. She knew Olivia well enough and she knew that Sebastian would succumb to it.

“What are the fuck are you even thinking?” Ezra said to herself. She rolled her eyes, she felt like a jealous teenage girl who just found out her high school crush was in love with her best friend. She knew that it didn’t really matter anyway.

As she exited the Hawthorne building it began to rain. Ezra didn’t have her umbrella with her, just like every other New Yorker who was just as surprised as she was. The entire day and the previous days it had been a hot weather, it was supposed to cool down come August but the rain was totally unexpected. She had no choice but to walk in the rain.

With the rain pouring down on her Ezra couldn’t help but have this strange feeling in her chest that was just bothersome. It was irritating her that even the people of New York was just annoying to her. It was like she was new to the city and hated the feeling of bumping into people, but she had lived there for years and she had immediately gotten used to it, but on this particular moment, with what she was feeling she was annoyed.

It never really dawned on her what she had felt. All she knew was that she didn’t like it and that it annoyed her too much. She kept thinking about what she was feeling.

Sadness?  
Pain?

She couldn’t put a finger on what it was.

As she stopped at a crosswalk she finally figured it out.

She was feeling guilt.

It took the honking of cars to phase her back into reality. Her pace was suddenly quick, bumping into people without care. She had a confused look on her face.

Guilt.

She didn’t understand it. But it was what she felt. It was right. Ezra removed herself from the busy streets of New York and entered into a bar. Without looking at the other patrons she found herself on the bar. She took off her coat and her bag, and ordered a few shots of whiskey. After downing two, she played with the shot glass in her hand, her mind lingering.

“You okay?” the bartender asked and Ezra simply ignored. The bartender didn’t bother to ask again. Ezra was just confused. She didn’t understand why she was feeling guilt at that moment. Where did it even come from?

-

If you lived in the city and you were generally a light sleeper you need not an alarm clock but instead, to wait for the sound of cars honking and people yelling from their windows to wake up. This is exactly how Ezra got up everyday. Her eyes slowly tried to adjust to the brightness of her bedroom, that beamed from the window. She looked to her alarm clock and despite what time it was she didn’t bother to panic. If Larissa was out with a gentleman that night she knew that Larissa wouldn’t bother to come in and without Larissa there wasn’t much to be done, and even if there was she would have done it before Larissa could even figure it out.

Getting up slowly from her bed Ezra couldn’t remember how she got home. All she remembers was vomiting on a cab driver and having to ask a homeless man to help her enter her house. At the last thought Ezra’s eyes grew, until she finally remembered that she paid the man $100 so he wouldn’t go inside her apartment. Placing her hand to her head, she could feel the repercussions of her choices from the amount of whiskey shots she took, in which she couldn’t even remember at all.

The sound of the phone ringing both shocked and annoyed Ezra. Covering her ears with both hands stumbled around her apartment to look for the noisy perpetrator. As soon as she spotted her phone on the couch she immediately answered it.

“How many drinks did you have and how dare you not drink with me after I invited you to come with me yesterday?”

Olivia’s voice echoed onto Ezra’s ears as if they were inside a tunnel. Olivia knew that once she was in the office before Ezra that she was either sick or drunk, despite knowing that Ezra had a stuffy nose she chose to think of the latter and it seemed like it was a good choice. Ezra plopped on her couch, her feet giving up. Her entire body was just in so much pain and she didn’t understand it but it just hurt all over.

“It just kinda happened. Besides, you had an interview last night remember? I don’t think drinking while you interview someone is a good idea.” Ezra reasoned for an excuse. “Whatever, anyway, I managed to get him to answer some questions. It was kind of hard to interview him since he didn’t want to appear too revealing. He said, quote, I don’t want to tarnish her memory, I’m a gentleman and I know she deserves more than what others might think, unquote.” Olivia said.

Sounded exactly like Sebastian. Ezra had a small smile on her face as she realized that Sebastian may not have changed as much, he was still a sweet man.

“He was a lot of fun though, made a lot of jokes once he had a few drinks in him but overall it was kind of a boring interview. I might trash the article, I don’t know yet. I’m going to try and give this interview another shot but I need to think of more questions before I set up another meeting with him.” Olivia said as she opened her laptop.

Biting her lower lip, Ezra sighed. She didn’t even realize it, especially since she was talking to Olivia. “You alright?” Olivia asked, pausing from her actions as she waited for Ezra’s response. “I’m okay, just hungover.” Ezra said and Olivia laughed on the other line. “Go drink something disgusting, lunch later?” Olivia said and Ezra agreed. Hanging up she tossed her phone to the other end of the couch.

Covering her face with her hands she groaned in pain of a massive headache.

After a couple of glasses of water, a hot shower and staring at the ceiling of her apartment, Ezra was slowly getting rid of her hangover. It was 11 in the morning and she figured she might as well start walking now if she wanted to take a slow stroll as she heads over to lunch with Olivia. Lucky for her, Olivia has decided to have lunch with Ezra at Central Park. She knew that Ezra wasn’t up for a small restaurant with people yammering.

Ezra grabbed her keys and headed for the door. With sunglasses that practically covered half her face, Ezra made her way to Central Park. No one bothered to notice how ridiculous she looked with those sunglasses, that was the good part about New York. The city is too busy to notice you, or to even consider you as a complete weirdo.

As she arrived at the usually spot she and Olivia sat on when they were at Central Park, Ezra looked at the amount of people that were around. There was a lot of people jogging, nannies and toddlers who were too young for school and couples everywhere. It was relatively peaceful. Despite the bustle of the city, Central Park was the one place that was close to peace and quiet.

“Wow, you must have pounded some rounds.” Ezra looked to her right, her mouth open as she looked at Olivia who was holding a paper bag and drinks. “Babe, close your mouth before a fly moves in.” Olivia said and Ezra complied, scooting over and giving Olivia some space to sit, with the food in between them. “I got us sandwiches. Good thing you’ve got a boss like Larissa, she won’t even know if you’re at your desk.” Olivia commented.

As the two continued the usual lunch routine, they discussed about their bosses, the people Olivia hated and put on her If I were a murderer list and about the potential men that Olivia wanted to be true. As the two were in the middle of a conversation about one of Olivia’s old affairs, Ezra decided to get up and maybe flex her legs a little bit. As she stood, she saw someone running from a distance. At first she decided to ignore it, a lot of people ran in Central Park. But when the person was approaching Ezra’s blurry eyes were slowly processing who it was.

“Sebastian!” Olivia yelled as she stood up and waved.

Ezra suddenly felt all parts of her body alert. It was like an alarm was blaring inside her body and was telling little non existing workers to get their shit together. Ezra placed her hands on her face, her fingers touching her glasses. She wondered if these huge sunglasses were enough to cover who she was.

As Sebastian approached, he was walking at this point. Each step made Ezra’s heart pound hard. She felt her sweat drip and her head get into a haze. It felt like a complete blur up there. Her mouth felt dry and she wanted to just run.

And that’s exactly what she did.

“Ezra?” Olivia called out as Ezra began to run the opposite direction. “I’m going for a run!” Ezra yelled back and Olivia felt confused. “In boots?” Olivia questioned unsure why exactly Ezra was acting all weird.


	2. I Wanna Be Sedated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: If you've made it this chapter, thanks and enjoy. I know Sebastian hasn't made an apearance as much as you'd expected but more soon.

_Just get me to the airport put me on a plane_  
_Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane_  
_I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain_  
_Oh no no no no no_

Ezra felt her heart pounding even more, not because she was close to seeing Sebastian but because she ran and she realized that she wasn’t athletic at all. “I think I’m gonna have a heart attack.” Ezra said to no one in particular, but a bystander heard her. “Excuse me? Do you want me to call 911?” the woman asked and Ezra shook her head frantically. “Oh no no no, it was just an expression.” Ezra clarified. “One hell of an expression.” the woman said as she walked away.

Ezra sat on a nearby bench and tried to catch her breath. Why she ran? She didn’t really know. But she was figuring out that maybe her feeling of guilt had something to do with it. What exactly or why exactly she had felt guilty was still a blur to her. Ezra groaned in pain as her body started to get pissed at her and decide to allow her to feel excruciating pain.

A few runs away, Olivia stood next to a sweaty Sebastian in complete confusion. “I’m sorry, my friend just ran off.” Olivia said as she scoffed. “It’s alright, she runs pretty fast.” Sebastian commented as he tried to catch his breath. “Anyway, nice to see you here. Hopefully my friend returns soon but anyway, I hope I can get another stab at this interview with you actually. I think I need a little more to add to my article. As of now I’m still figuring out what questions to ask further but I’ll let you know.” Olivia said and Sebastian just found himself agreeing.

Olivia turned to her left, in hopes of spotting Ezra but she couldn’t see where she was. She waved her arms in defeat. “I don’t know where she is but I’m going to have to wait for her, she left her stuff here.” Olivia said as she pointed at Ezra’s bag. Sebastian had noticed the shiny object that was peeking from her bag.

“Silver iPod.” he whispered to himself and Olivia looked at where he was looking. “Oh that ancient thing? Yeah she refuses to replace it. Still works despite the fact that its phased out by Apple. She has a wide selection of songs in it, always has it plugged to her ears. She gets agitated when someone touches it.” Olivia said and Sebastian began to think of a particular object he once owned as well.

Before he had reached Olivia, Ezra had ran far away and he didn’t get the opportunity to glance at her. “Anyway, I should get running. As for the interview, you have my number so just let me know.” Sebastian said as he put on his earphones and bid goodbye, and continued his run.

After a couple of minutes, Olivia was deep into her food when Ezra was reappearing. Olivia had her hands up, her mouth open. “Um, what gives?” Olivia asked Ezra who simply sat down and began to down her orange juice. “You just suddenly ran. You didn’t even get the chance to meet Sebastian.” Olivia said. “And since when did you run? You can’t even take three flights of stairs without almost fainting.” Olivia added as she took another bite of her sandwich.

“I just felt like it, you know.” Ezra tried to explain as she tried to catch her breath once again. “No, I don’t. I honestly don’t.” Olivia asked completely confused. After an hour, the two were finished. Olivia had to head back to the office to get started on her next questions for her interview with Sebastian, while Ezra decided to stay behind at Central Park.

She took out the silver iPod from her bag and scrolled through endless playlists. Until she settled for one, and went through the songs before deciding on one.

 _You ask yourself_  
_When will my time come_  
_Has it all been said and done_  
_I know I'll leave when it's my time to go  
'Til then I'll carry on with what I know_

Closing her eyes, Ezra clutched onto her bag as she just allowed herself to get lost in music.

  
**December 12, 2009  
Little Falls - Children’s Playground**

Ezra sat on the swings of the playground, the voices of children’s laughter slowly disappearing as she listened to music. Her hands were holding onto the chains of the swing as she felt the beat of the music through her earphones.

“Don’t hog it.”

Ezra opened her eyes to find Sebastian sitting next to her on the swings, taking one half of the earphones and plugging it into his ear. The two sat there in silence, with only them being aware of the music as they slowly bopped their heads to the music.

“When are you leaving for Toronto?” Sebastian asked after a few minutes of silence.

Ever since Ezra had told Sebastian about her leaving for Toronto after their final senior year, he acted a bit weird. But he tried his best to resist the urge and tried to maintain everything normal. But every time Miller and Ezra talked about college and Ezra brought up Toronto Sebastian just felt this slight erratic pain in his chest.

“Last week of May. I thought I’d get in early, spent a few weeks lurking around Toronto to find which places to eat and which places to avoid. Get settled in you know.” Ezra said as she tried to make the conversation sound as normal as possible.

“You’ll be safe right?” Sebastian asked as he looked at Ezra. She had this look on her face where she just wanted to hug Sebastian and say sorry. She didn’t know why she had felt so guilty but after the way Sebastian reacted to the news, she always felt like she did something wrong. Ezra nodded as a response and gave a weak smile to Sebastian. He looked towards the children and continued to listen to the music with Ezra.

“I’ll miss you a lot, you and Miller.” Ezra just blurted it out. Sebastian didn’t respond. He simply swallowed his saliva and pretended not to heart what Ezra just said. The smell of awkward began to linger around them and frankly Ezra just didn’t like it. She then began to wonder if Sebastian was just being selfish, if he was purposely making her feel guilty. It had already been two months and he was still acting as he was when it came to Ezra leaving for Toronto.

Not wanting to really deal with the situation, she pulled off the earphones and shoved the iPod towards Sebastian’s hands as she walked off. Sebastian was surprised, and he wanted to run after her but his feet were plant firmly on the ground, it was as if his body has shut down his legs. He held onto the iPod, running his thumb across it and thinking about Ezra.

 _I gotta take a little time_  
_A little time to think things over_  
_I better read between the lines  
In case I need it when I'm older_

  
**August 12, 2017 4:13 AM**

Ezra couldn’t sleep. She had been awake the entire day, thinking about Sebastian at Central Park. She had not seen him in such a long time and seeing him at that moment felt completely weird for her. She wasn’t prepared and she didn’t know if Sebastian had even noticed her. She didn’t ask Olivia about him, she didn’t want Olivia to get suspicious about her.

Rolling to the side of her bed, she pulled out the silver outdated iPod and scrolled through the endless selection of songs. She continued to lay in bed, thinking about that night when she was at the swings with Sebastian. For a second, she wondered if she had seen something in Sebastian’s eyes that could tell her something. But she couldn't put a finger on what it was.

There she lay again, curious and confused. Questioning the guilt she was feeling all over again.

 _Now this mountain I must climb_  
_Feels like a world upon my shoulders_  
_Through the clouds I see love shine  
It keeps me warm as life grows colder_

After hours of laying in bed, Ezra got up and hopped in the shower. Again, in the shower she kept thinking of the same thing that kept running through her head, that had kept her up all night. Even the walk to work was the same, she was just dazed, disappearing in the crowd of busy people. Unaware of the people around her. Like she was invisible.

As she got to work, she took the elevator and greeted no one. Inside the small silver box, was her and a bunch of other busy people. One was yelling over the phone, the other was trying to arrange a schedule with his wife and kids and then there was the ones who were going through folders as last minute preparations for a meeting.

One by one they all exited the elevators to their respective floors, and so did Ezra.

“Hey, are you okay?” Olivia greeted Ezra with concerned as she saw her best friend walk into the office, looking complicated as always. Ezra sighed and tried to put on a smile. “I’m fine.” She replied and walked away. Olivia knew better than to let it go.

“Ezra Geovanna Sterling turn around and talk to your best friend.” Olivia said as she waited for Ezra to turn. Ezra knew that if Olivia was going to use her full name, then she should had no choice because it was either talk to her now or ignore her and allow Olivia to bother her the entire day.

“I promise you it's nothing.” Ezra tried to assure her and Olivia simply rolled her eyes at her best friend. Crossing her arms she walked a few steps closer towards Ezra. “If you aren’t going to talk to me about it then who will you talk to?” Olivia said, her voice serious with concern. Ezra still didn’t answer. Pent up with having to play guessing games she slapped the folder in her hand onto the reception’s desk and ordered the receptionist to bring it to her desk.

Grabbing Ezra by the arm, Olivia walked over the elevator. There was silence the entire time between the two. Upon entering the elevator, Olivia pushed the emergency button, stopping the elevator but sounding a really loud alarm.

“There are thousands of people who work in this building who are about to be pissed because they are going to be late, so talk now or I’ll hold them up until you do!” Olivia yelled through the alarm. “What?!” Ezra couldn’t hear her, she covered her ears from the loud sound of the alarm. Olivia tried to repeated what she said but it was pointless, Ezra still couldn’t hear her. Pushing the button again the elevator sounded and it opened to the floor above them. Exiting with with Ezra on her grip she pushed Ezra to the nearest room and locked them inside.

“That worked on NCIS but I didn’t expect the alarms to go on like that.” Olivia said as she scouted the room. They were most likely inside a photocopy room. One giant machine and stacks of papers surrounded them. “Anyway, come on. Tell me what’s-” Olivia was cut off by banging sounds from the door. “Hey, open up!” a guy’s voice came from the other side. Olivia banged the door. “Go away, private conversation!” Olivia said but the guy insisted. She opened the door and grabbed whatever the man was holding and locked it again.

“I’m going to rip this unless you walk away.” Olivia threatened and then there was silence. She slowly heard footsteps fading. She placed the papers elsewhere and placed her hands on her hips. “Talk.” Olivia said as she stared at Ezra.

“I’m just thinking about a lot of things. And they don’t concern you which is why I’m not telling you.” Ezra said and Olivia raised a brow. “I’m your best friend. You’ve told me almost everything. Why stop now? You’re obviously going through something and I’m trying to help, but I can’t if you won’t tell me what’s bothering you.” Olivia said and Ezra scratched her head in irritation.

“It’s nothing okay?! Just leave me alone!” Ezra said as she opened the door and left a surprised Olivia in the photocopy room. Olivia knew that something big was bothering Ezra, but she knew that if she pushed any further after what just happened that Ezra would stop talking to her, and she didn’t want to start a fight when she knew that Ezra wasn’t happy.

As Ezra reached her desk, she tried to take her mind off of things with work. Problem was, there was nothing to do. Larissa wasn’t in yet, Larissa didn’t have anything for her to do. All that was on her desks were messages for Larissa. Going through them there was nothing on them that would allow for her to do anything. Figuring that Larissa wasn’t going to come in anyway Ezra decided to just pack her stuff and leave.

Feeling exhausted yet impulsive, Ezra grabbed her iPod, her phone and her wallet, then took a greyhound bus to Little Falls. As she got on the bus, she waited for it to be filled with other people and as the bus moved, she put on her earphones and just allowed herself to disappear.

 _Four letter word just to get me along_  
_It's a difficulty and I'm biting on my tongue and I_  
_I keep stalling, keeping me together  
People around gotta find something to say now_

After three hours and so, she got off the bus and began to walk.

Holding back, everyday the same

She made her way through the familiar place, ignoring everyone and disappearing on the less crowded streets like she did in Manhattan.

Don’t wanna be a loner, Listen to me

Sighing as she walked, she did manage to look around and notice that nothing has really changed.

I never say anything at all

Walking up the front porch, her fingers reach the button and with a push a familiar sound arose. A few seconds later, the door swings open and she is greeted with a familiar smile that felt like home.

But with nothing to consider they forget my name

“Hi mom.”

  
**February 14, 2010  
Little Falls**

There was love in the air. It was a day that many celebrated with a smile, and with something fluttering in their spirits. Whether you were in a relationship or not, the town of Little Falls celebrated Valentine’s Day like it was Christmas. Everyone was happy, flowers were definitely blooming, figuratively speaking.

“Happy Valentine’s Day.” Ezra greeted her parents as she walked down the stairs to the kitchen. There her parents were reading the paper, a quiet morning. “Do you and Sebastian have plans?” Ezra’s parents treated Sebastian the same way they did her. Sometimes they treated him better, but that was circumstantial. Nonetheless, they knew that even if Ezra and Sebastian weren’t an item the two always planned something on Valentine’s Day.

“No.” Ezra said coldly. Things between her and Sebastian weren’t going well. With May fast approaching in a couple of months, Sebastian was avoiding her. Unbeknownst to him, she was avoiding him too. It was like an opposite game of cat and mouse. Sebastian began to work part time at the small town law firm his mother worked at, which surprised not only his mother but Ezra as well. She knew Sebastian well enough to know he hated that law firm, which only allowed Ezra to realize that Sebastian was doing everything and anything to avoid her. Ezra on the other hand decided to work for the library. It wasn’t heavy lifting (except the occasional heavy books she lifted, ironically) and it meant silence and it allowed her to read books.

“I haven’t seen much of Sebastian, but it's good that he’s working.” Ezra’s father commented. Ezra knew it was ridiculous that she and Sebastian were avoiding each other, especially when they should be spending time with each other before graduating. But she didn’t want to pursue anything if it was going to be a complete waste, and she had hoped that Sebastian would make her think otherwise.

Downing a glass of orange juice, she left the house and was immediately greeted by couples and people in general who were enjoying the day. Everything was just a reminder of how Ezra was wasting her time being awkward and distant with Sebastian. She figured it was better to just get things over with.

With that in mind, Ezra found herself walking towards the local law firm. As she entered the small office, she immediately saw Sebastian first.

“Ezra?” Sebastian sounded surprised. Ezra had expected this so all she did was give a smile. Sebastian’s mother was just right next to him at the time. “Ezra sweetie!” Sebastian’s mother greeted her with much more excitement than Sebastian, which inadvertently made him feel wrong.

“Sebastian, go ahead and just leave those there. You two should talk.” Sebastian’s mother sounded as if she knew there was something going on between the two, which she, often, was right. Sebastian placed down the stacks of files he had in his hand and walked outside of the office with Ezra. The two were silent the entire time as they walked over to the playground next door.

Once again, they were at the same swings where the distance between them had started.

“I’m sorry.” Sebastian was the first to speak. This, because he knew that Ezra most likely didn’t know what to say, not because she had pride. If anything Ezra didn’t even know if she had any pride. Sebastian let out a low sigh. “I feel stupid not spending time with you. I kinda miss you.” Sebastian said, leaving out a little joke which Ezra caught on. She replied with a smile.

“I guess we’re okay right?” Sebastian asked and Ezra nodded her head. He smiled back at her, he leaned towards her and kissed her forehead, something he was always accustomed to doing whenever he did something wrong towards Ezra or if they had just had some serious conversation.

“Can I ask you something though?” Ezra finally spoke, Sebastian looked at her as a sign of yes. “What did you mean when you said, ‘what about me’?” Ezra had felt confused ever since the night she had told Sebastian about going to Toronto for university. That question he gave her was stuck in her head ever since. Sebastian was caught off guard with the question, but he knew that he was going to have to explain that some day, and guess it was that day.

“It’s nothing really. I guess it was the first thing that came into mind.” Sebastian lied.

“Are you sure?” Ezra pushed. She knew there was something behind it. “I’m not sure what to do with myself.” Sebastian replied. A concerned look was now plastered all over Ezra’s face. She suddenly felt something bothering her. Something bothering her that told her there was something bothering Sebastian.

“Miller is going to Princeton, you, University of Toronto. As for me? I have NYU but I don’t feel like it, you know?” Sebastian said and Ezra looked down on her feet, unsure of what to even say. “I told my mom two weeks ago that I was thinking of not going to college. She freaked and asked me what I had planned instead. When I told her nothing she laughed and yelled at me and told me that I was going to college.” Sebastian said, a smirk appearing from his face.

“But I really have no intentions. I don’t want to go.” Sebastian said as he looked at her. “Then what do you want to do?” Ezra finally asked and Sebastian gave a weak smile. “I don’t know.” Sebastian replied. “Are you going to stay here?” Ezra asked and Sebastian shook his head. “Then where are you going?” Ezra asked, the concern loud in her voice. Sebastian smiled wider when he heard that concern in her voice. He loved it when Ezra showed how much she cared for him.

“I’m not staying here. I don’t know where I’m going.” Sebastian said, the look on his eyes showed that he was lost. That there was something wrong and neither did he know.

“Come with me.” Ezra said and Sebastian laughed.

“I’m serious!” Ezra said and Sebastian laughed louder. “No, Toronto is your adventure, not mine. I’ll be fine nerd.” Sebastian teased and Ezra was still concerned. Despite the smile Sebastian had, Ezra knew he wasn’t okay, that Sebastian was lost.

“I’ll always be here for you.” Ezra said and Sebastian looked at her, smiles exchanged.

“Thank you.” he said.

-

“Ezra what are you doing here? Don’t you have work?” Ezra’s mother asked her as they sat on the dining table. “Yeah but my boss hasn’t been around and there wasn’t really anything left for me to do so I decided to come home.” Ezra lied. “I’m surprised you came home. I’ve missed you.” her mother said and Ezra smiled.

“Have you visited your father?” Ezra’s mother asked and the smile faded from Ezra’s face. “Not yet.” Ezra said and her mother sighed. “It has been years. You need to see him you know.” Ezra’s mother said, and Ezra figured her mother was right.

When Ezra moved to Toronto, her first week there, she received a phone call from her mother. Her father had gotten into an accident. He was in critical condition, her mother told her to stay in Toronto, and Ezra followed. But two days later her father passed, a funeral was held and Ezra decided to stay in Toronto. Her mother had respected that wish.

In Toronto Ezra locked herself in her apartment, crying every day. She missed Freshman orientation, the first week of school even. She couldn’t get up. What was supposed to be a fresh happy start in college turned foul for her. She tried to go to class once, but she found herself crying when the professor talked about early child development in one of her psychology classes.

A week later she dropped out of college and moved to New York without telling anyone, not even her mother. It took a while before she even came in contact with her mother again. She told her mom she just couldn’t bear it, and that she was okay in New York, that she was fine. That’s when she decided to work for Vinyl Publishing, and where she has been for years after that.

She didn’t visit Little Falls, her mother came to her for all the holidays. She didn’t want to go back. She didn’t bother to visit her father’s grave or even say goodbye at his funeral. She just wanted to be rid of that place forever. She just wanted to start again. And with that, she dropped everything.

After a few more conversations of how are you and how’s work, Ezra excused herself to her bedroom. Before reaching the stairs, Ezra found herself stopping in front of the closed doors of her father’s office. Her hand slowly reached the handle but retracted. As she took two steps further towards the stairs, she stopped and turned to enter the office anyway.

It smelled of books. The entire room was filled with books. Her father was the reason she wanted to read, her father was the reason she wanted to become a writer. Why she loved books, the smell of a new book and the smell of an old one. The sound of pages turning and the feel of the paper on her fingertips. She sat down on his leather chair, a heavy dictionary on the table. Her father always read the dictionary. Ezra never really knew why but she did. When she was 5 her father read her the dictionary before bed, it was unusual but her father told her mother that she could thank him when their daughter won spelling bees.

She won 14 local competitions.

Sinking into her father’s leather chair, Ezra was as happy as she could be. Nothing was as good as the time at that moment. Nothing was. She felt her eyes tearing up a bit. As she closed them, the tears rolled down. Her hands gripping on the dictionary. She filled her mind with happy memories, wonderful memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Thanks for reading! I know there hasn't been Sebastian much on the chapter but there will be a little more soo, give it time. :)


	3. The Ghost Of You

_I know a girl_  
_She puts the color inside of my world_  
_But she’s just like a maze_  
_Where all of the walls continually change_

The orange of the morning in Little Falls felt warm on Ezra’s skin. Beaming from her window, she slowly opened her eyes. It has been years since the last time she felt good waking up like this in the morning. She slowly got up from her bed, and across from where she sat, she saw a view of a lifeless room.

Sebastian’s room.

The blinds were up. She could see his desk lamp, a poster of the show Freaks and Geeks could be seen. Ezra walked up towards her window, opening it and sitting by the pane, deep inside hoping that the window across would open, and that Sebastian would poke out and say hello or something ridiculous.

But all she could hear was the wind and people walking by. Closing her eyes, she inhaled the scent of the town. She felt at home. It was peace. True silence, true sanctity. Getting up from where she sat, she pulled her hair back, grabbed the silver iPod and plugged it onto one of her old speakers and began blasting out John Mayer.

 _Goodbye cold, goodbye rain_  
_Goodbye sorrow, goodbye shame_  
_I’m headed out west with my headphones on_  
_Boarded a flight with a song in the back of my soul_  
_And no one knows_

Ezra walked over towards her closet, opening it, it smelled like fresh laundry. Her mother had a habit of washing clothes when they began to smell like the closet or unpleasant in general. Even the clothes that no longer fit her, as long as they remained in her closet her mother would clean it.

On the floor was a huge box, using all her strength she pulled the box towards her. Lifting the lid open old memories came back. All of the projects she and Sebastian worked on were inside, the random pieces of paper that she and Sebastian wrote song titles on when they heard something they liked, whether they were in a shop or the radio. Some of which were even written on napkins, tiny torn pieces of cardboard and even on pieces of cloth they tore from God knows where. Tickets from movies they saw, events they went to even the bus tickets they had when they went into the city to catch a concert or just escape from Little Falls.

Every single memory was inside. Sebastian’s necklace, the birthday letters he had written her, the apology letters he wrote whenever they fought over the tiniest things or even letters of encouragement that he wrote for her when she felt down. A couple of books he lent her. All the works, all the workings of their friendship was inside that box.

How a small square object could hold years of memories that she treasured every day, that she treasured more than anything in the world. They were all there and she felt a sudden feel of relaxation, a breath of fresh air from the memories. Bliss, another word that could describe how she felt.

 _Hello beauty, hello strange_  
_Hello wonder, what’s your name?_  
_Looking for the sun that Neil Young hung_  
_After the gold rush of 1971_

And in the sea of memories Ezra found a photo of her and Sebastian on his birthday.

  
**August 13, 2008  
** Family Pizza Pizzeria  
Brooklyn, New York

“Tell me, is this not worth the endless hours we sat on that cold greyhound?” Sebastian said as he watched Ezra down her fourth slice of pizza. It was Sebastian’s birthday, and Ezra had promised she’d do and go wherever, whatever Sebastian wanted. And he chose Brooklyn. The craving for pizza was just there, and it was the first thing that came to his mind. They sat on a greyhound bus ride for hours, cold and starving just to get to Brooklyn to taste the local pizza.

“Oh my God, it's like heaven.” Ezra struggled to get the words out as she couldn’t stop eating. Sebastian chuckled, the sight of Ezra enjoying food was just adorable, she was a complete dork. “Thanks for coming with me, all my good birthdays are with you.” Sebastian said. “Don’t say that.” Ezra said as she took a swig of her cola. “Your mom cooks you really good food when your birthday comes around.” Ezra said and Sebastian laughed. “That’s because you love her cooking.” Sebastian replied.

“What I mean is your good company, and I’m always having fun when you’re around.” Sebastian said and Ezra smiled. “Thanks for that. Where do you wanna go after? It’s only 3 in the afternoon.” Ezra asked as she grabbed the last slice of pizza. “I don’t really know. I’ve never really travelled the city as much. When you and I went to go and escape we were usually in the areas that had cheap food and, well, anything cheap in general.” Sebastian said, letting out a small giggle at the end of the comment.

“Wanna check out Upper East Side?” Ezra asked and Sebastian scoffed. “And what? Stare at all those rich asses who think that if you can’t afford a home there you are the scum of the earth?” Sebastian said and Ezra rolled her eyes. “Shut up, not all of them are like that. Uptight Trina’s parents were raised in the Upper East Side before they relocated to Little Falls.” Ezra said and Sebastian laughed. “You calling Trina uptight kind of just backed up my earlier comment on locals there.” Sebastian said and Ezra’s brows furrowed as she realized that she just did.

“I thought you wanted to live here?” Ezra asked and Sebastian’s smile faded. “I guess not anymore. I don’t think I’d belong anyway. I’m too humble for those tight asses.” Sebastian said and Ezra laughed. “Let’s go to bar.” Sebastian suggested and Ezra scoffed. “Sure, we’ll just tell them we wanna try out their local beers and that it didn’t matter if we were underage.” Ezra sarcastically spoke.

“They won’t care. There are a couple of bars around that don’t give a crap about your age. Come on. If they don’t serve us then we just leave and move to the next bar, if still a no then we’ll go have fun somewhere else.” Sebastian said and Ezra didn’t want to disagree, it was Sebastian’s day and she wanted him to be happy.

“Don’t you think it's a little early for alcohol though?” Ezra asked and Sebastian shook his head.

A few minutes later they were back on the street, headed for a small bar that was pretty empty except for a couple of drunks, and some possibly laid off workers. They sat by the bar and Ezra stared at her fingers. She never drank alcohol before, especially when they weren’t of age yet.

“Two beers.” Sebastian spoke casually as he pulled out some money from his wallet. The bartender simply opened up two cold ones and served it to them. Ezra stared at the cold bottle of beer as if it magically appeared in front of her eyes and she had witnessed its magic.

Taking a swig of his beer, Sebastian let out a cocky smile. “Told you so.” Sebastian said as he continued to watch his best friend in amazement. “Quick, drink and we’ll do some whiskey shots in a bit.” Sebastian said and Ezra gave him a look, as if trying to ask if he was insane. “It’s all part of the experience. It’s our right of passage to drink underage, miles away from our parents.” Sebastian tried to convince her but Ezra just wasn’t sure.

“Do it for me please.” Sebastian said as he let out a pout. Ezra rolled her eyes. It was his thing. Even if he didn’t pout, if it had anything to do with Do it for me please she often complied. “You do the whiskey shots yourself.” Ezra said as she took a sip of the beer, both hands holding onto it. Two small shot glasses appeared right in front of her as she laid the bottle down.

Ezra looked at it as if it was completely foreign.

“Bottoms up.” Sebastian said as he took his glass. He waited for Ezra to hold onto hers before he took a shot. After his shot he let out a sound of relief. He placed the glass down and stared at his best friend. “Come on, you know you want that to burn down your throat.” Sebastian said. “Does it burn?” Ezra asked, her face seemed as if she was disgusted.

“Yes, but it's a good burn.” Sebastian replied and Ezra let out a deep sigh before grabbing the shot glass and down the whiskey. She kept it inside her mouth, her cheeks were puffed. She didn’t want to swallow, but keeping it inside her mouth didn’t help either.

Sebastian laughed. “Ez, you gotta swallow.” he tried to convince her but she shook his head. “If you don’t it’s going to ruin your teeth.” Sebastian threatened and she finally swallowed. The look on her face, the sour sour look on her face satisfied Sebastian, even the bartender found it hilarious.

“You are adorable.” Sebastian said.

 _We pick up in New York City_  
_I’m tryna find a man I never got to be_  
_But when I push down on the pavement_  
_I found the whole thing so much harder than it seemed_

“Not so bad.” Ezra lied as she continued to cough, her eyes watering. As she continued to cough, the bartender laughed and Sebastian was too. He rubbed Ezra’s back, trying to calm her down and the bartender showed up with water.

 _Every night around this time_  
_My friends and I, we treat it like a race_  
_When I really start to break it down_  
_I wouldn't trust a girl who knew about this place_

They sat there for a few more hours, downing a couple more whiskeys and taking slow swigs of beer. They conversed about their future and talked about rooming together. They talked about living together, and having fun doing what they wanted. They were teenagers who just wanted an escape, who wanted to be able to taste freedom and bask it in just like they did with their whiskey shots and bottles of beer.

 _Barking on with no one left_  
_Speak softly underneath my breath_  
_Hey world, you ain’t seen nothing yet_  
_Great, now it’s raining_  
_Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey_  
_Water, water, water sleep_

-

Ezra held onto the photo the bartender took of that special night. At the back of the photo, Sebastian had written her a short message of thanks.

Thank you for the freedom, for the love and for you.

Ezra smiled, they were happy. They were free. Coming home they smelled of alcohol but they were able to get pass their parents, shower and smell as fresh as daisies. This was the kind of memory Ezra wanted back. Her phone rang. On the screen was a notification for the 13th of August.

Sebby’s Day

Ezra always had that same notification on. She’d stare at it for hours. She didn’t necessarily needed a reminder of Sebastian’s birthday, she knew clearly when it was. She just wanted some sort of validation when she’d see it. Validation that she had still missed him, and that she still cared.

For the years she had been gone, whenever a holiday would pass, or his birthday or even her birthday she often questioned if she still even remembered Sebastian existed. If she still missed him. If she still wanted to see him. If he was still her number on, her best friend, that one true person that showered her what a real man should be. The person she had cared for all her.

How she wished that things weren’t complicated. When they talked to each other by the swings on Valentine’s Day back in ‘09 she thought that things were okay. She thought that everything would be normal. That she would get to Toronto, get through her classes, keep in touch with Sebastian, come home for the holidays (Sebastian’s birthday included, especially since he says it was more important than Christmas) and that things would be fine. Then when she graduated she and Sebastian would live together and do all the things they did as teenagers but with a wider and fresher smell of freedom.

But instead, she had left. Sebastian with a face she could never forget, one she knew that meant something had to come to an end. She had left, feeling doubtful of her assurances. And then when she had arrived it all came crashing quickly. She wanted to erase the memory of Little Falls not just because her father had passed, but because her father’s passing made her realize the truth, that this was really how it was meant to be. That when she left they would part ways, and that they were no longer friends.

It was like what their teacher had told them. That after high school the friendships they so strongly held onto, cherished, care for, was destined to end once they had gone to different universities. That’s how the world evolves, that’s how it works - she said.

It was the sad truth of the world really. How lonely they had all felt but how true it was. How excellently true it was.

 _Did you know that you could be wrong_  
_And swear you’re right_  
_Some people been known to do it all their lives_  
_But you find yourself alone_  
_Just like you found yourself before_  
_Like I found myself in pieces on the hotel floor_

Ezra decided to have lunch with her mother. They tried to catch up. Ezra often talked to her mother on the phone. She always updated her about everything that has happened to her, even the times that she was feeling stressed from work. Her mother never failed to tell her to always take care of herself to always be mindful of others. The motherly thing, that was what Ezra loved about her mother.

But catching up in person was much better. There was a much more personal contact between the two. Something more connective. The lunch was filled with good conversation and laughter. Her mother was someone she truly missed. She somewhat felt a bit sad that she spent her time in New York and only saw her mother on special holidays like Christmas and New Year’s and of course her mother’s birthday. Often, Ezra wouldn’t ask her mother to come out on her birthdays, saying there wasn’t much to do and she didn’t want to celebrate her birthday, in which her mother respective her choices.

Her mother was a one-of-a-kind woman. Someone who instilled in Ezra the meaning of respect. Respect was a big deal for Ezra’s mother, which is why Ezra did what she could to always honor that part that her mother always reminded her of. She often kept to herself, so as to not intrude with others. That was her way of showing respect. After the lunch, Ezra told her mother that she wanted to take a walk around for the mean time. She hasn’t been in Little Falls in years and she just wanted to see the possible changes and to breathe in that fresh air.

Stepping outside, Ezra felt the cold breeze. She loved it. It wasn’t too cold, it wasn’t too hot. It was just right. It was relaxing, it felt good. She passed by grocery stores she frequented, she even entered the library in hopes to see new books but it was mostly old books, there wasn’t much new but she was still happy it was up, for her there was so much that the library helped her with.

  
**June 18, 2008  
Little Falls Library**

 _We are chasing the moon_  
_Just running wild and free_  
_We are following through_  
_Every dream, and every need_

In the million rows of books, at the very back corner Ezra sat down on the ground, curled up with a good book and music running through her ears because of the iPod. Ezra flipped through the pages with bliss. She felt happy and was truly enjoying the peaceful essence that she was in. Not much locals entered the library, not even students. But because the place felt historical, the town decided to continue letting it run even if people weren’t coming in at all.

“The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”

Sebastian suddenly appeared, leaning on one of the bookshelfs. As Ezra looked up from her book, she saw him smirking at her.

“If you think that quoting Oscar Wilde is impressive, then you’re completely wrong.” Ezra said, giving him a cocky smile. “I have nothing to declare except my genius.” Sebastian once again quoting Oscar Wilde. Ezra rolled her eyes and closed her book, setting it down on her side.

“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.” Ezra replied with a smirk. Sebastian let on a full smile. “Edgar Allen Poe.” He replied. “Impressive.” Ezra said, surprised that Sebastian knew whom she quoted. He wasn’t really a fan of Edgar Allen Poe’s work. He described it as too morbid and just insanely disturbing. But Ezra enjoyed it, she loved his works. It was like the reality of life being written down and people choosing not to accept it because of the macabre that it’s masked in.

“Aren’t you so confident?” Ezra let out and Sebastian chuckled. “I have great faith in fools, self confidence, my friends call it.” Sebastian surprised Ezra with that quote from Edgar Allen Poe, but it was spot on. “Okay, enough with the quotes.” Ezra chuckled as she moved, making space for Sebastian, he took the spot Ezra put out and sighed. “What, no Sylvia Plath? How about Hemingway?” Sebastian said and Ezra rolled her eyes at his cockiness.

Like protocol, Sebastian took the other piece of earphone from Ezra and listened to the music with her.

 _I never, said I’d lie in wait forever_  
_If I died we’d be together_  
_I can’t always just forget her_  
_But she could try_  
_At the end of the world, or the last thing I see_  
_You are never coming home, never coming home_  
_Should I? Could I?_

“Sounds sad.” Sebastian commented on her choice of music, but it didn’t mean he didn’t enjoy it. He loved whatever Ezra listened to, that was the beauty of them sharing the iPod that Sebastian owned. They shared the same taste in music and they often listened to it through the iPod. It contained thousands of songs they enjoyed listening together. It came from all genres, no specifics, just good music.

“Well, I am reading Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates.” Ezra said and Sebastian nodded. “I was expecting Toxic by Britney.” Sebastian said and proceeded to mimic Britney’s opening line of the song. Ezra laughed at his ridiculousness. Her laughter echoing throughout the library. It didn’t matter because no one was there to hear it. Except for Sebastian.

Her laughter was the best song he has ever heard in history. He’d kill to have it on loop every day. To simply hear her laughter. That was good enough to make him smile, to ease any of his pains and to make him feel like everything he works hard on is worth it. Her smile, her laughter, they were bliss. His definition of true happiness.

 _Ever, get the feeling that you’re never,_  
_All alone and I remember now,_  
_At the top of my lungs in my arms, she dies_  
_She dies_

-

Ezra entered the library. The smell was ancient, yet familiar. Nothing much has really changed about it, but for a few things. There were more books, more collections. Some were even from romance novels for the young adult. The collections were more open, there were more choices for everyone. A lot more people were in there too, mostly high school students and students who attended the community college a town over.

The employees were younger, most likely college students working on internships or clocking in some time to look good on paper. Okay, so maybe it was a big change. And Ezra felt a little anxious seeing the big change. As you have realized by now, Ezra is not one for big changes. There have been too many in her life that had cost her so much.

There was one thing she had hoped that stayed where it was, and the way it was. As she made her way through the endless rows of bookshelves, she walked further and further towards the end. The very corner where she used to just curl up with a book, away from reality and into something she had dreamed to be her reality.

She was happy to see that it was still there, and that it wasn’t rearranged and a random bookshelf was standing on its spot. She kneeled over the spot, rubbing the carpeted floor, ignoring the fact that it could potentially be filled with germs. She sat down, her back against the bookshelf and her eyes closed, easing away.

She put on her earphones and just pressed shuffle.

 _I can’t stop this feeling,_  
_Deep inside of me  
Girl you just don’t realize, what you do to me_

As Ezra escaped into her world, in her mind she replayed every book she had read. It played in her head like a movie. A private personal screening, with only her as its audience and sole benefactor. She did this often, when she wanted to escape the world. Or if she wanted to just do something while she waited for the pastor to finish his preaching.

“Ezra?” a voice echoed through the background of the song. Furrowing her eyebrows she decided to ignore it and just pretend she just thought she heard her name being called. Sooner or later, she found one of her earphones being pulled off from her ear. At that exact moment she opened her eyes and was greeted by a familiar smile. One she had not seen in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if there is anyone out there, it will be a while before the next chapter, hoping for your patience.


	4. My Paper Heart

_Summertime, the nights they are so long_  
_The leaves fall down,_  
_And so do I into the arms of a friend_  
_Winter nights, my bedside is cold,_  
_For I am gone_  
_And spring blossoms you to me_

“Wow it’s really you.”

The familiar smile of Miller was flashing up close towards Ezra. Ezra smiled and leaned in for a hug. She had not seen Miller in years. The last time she saw him, she had just moved to New York at the time and bumped into him at Family Pizza, a small pizza shop she went to on Sebastian’s birthday. It was a short meet at the time, just a simple hello and how are you, and they parted ways when Miller was dragged away by another man.

“You haven’t changed. Still listening to that piece of crap.” Miller said as he pointed towards the iPod. He sat down in front of Ezra, mimicking her position. “It works better than anything.” Ezra commented. “What are you doing back in town?” Ezra asked and Miller scoffed. “I should be asking you that. You haven’t been here in years, why are you here?” Miller asked and Ezra put up a fake smile.

“I missed my mom. And I haven’t been here a while. Besides, the city was becoming too noisy for me.” Ezra said as she sighed. “Oh yeah, you’re a city girl now.” Miller said as he recalled seeing Ezra in the city. “Not really, I still get uncomfortable but the work is good. Gotta start somewhere.” Ezra said. “Don’t tell me you’re still hung up on wanting to become a writer.” Miller said and Ezra smiled softly.

“Okay, now your turn. Why are you in town?” Ezra asked trying to change the topic nonchalantly. “I’m getting married.” Miller just went out with it. Ezra’s eyes grew, her mouth ajar. “Oh my God Miller congratulations!” Ezra said and leaned in for a hug that surprised Miller. So much hugging has been happening today.

“Who's the lucky lady?” Ezra asked and Miller laughed. “It’s a man.” Miller said and Ezra had a confused look on her face. “I missed that face.” Miller said, commenting on Ezra’s look. It was the confused face that she was known to always wear, her most used mask. “Did you just say, a man?” Ezra asked, trying to confirm and Miller nodded as confirmation.

“Wait… Ever since when?” Ezra tried to bring the words out, but she couldn’t. But Miller knew what she had meant to ask. “I’ve been gay since freshman year. I was just hiding in the closet.” Miller said and Ezra laughed a little. “Wow… I never knew…” Ezra said and Miller shrugged. “No one actually did except for my mom.” Miller said and Ezra had just realized that Miller’s parents were strong catholics.

“How did your parents react? Aren’t they old school catholic?” Ezra said and Miller raised a brow and sighed. “Well, let’s see. I didn’t tell them till I had graduated. I kinda wanted to prove to them that I could be gay and still graduate, kind of using graduation as a way to ease it in. But it backfired, they got mad. My dad told me I was possessed by a devil and my mother cried for months. They didn’t kick me out but they didn’t talk to me either so I decided to move in with my soon to be husband and I came here in hopes to invite my parents and they say yes and finally accept me so we can all ride a unicorn to Uranus.” Miller summarized the happenings that Ezra was unaware of.

“Have you asked them yet?” Ezra pressed for another answer. “Yeah, my mom said yes and that she had forgiven me but my dad’s a tough cookie to sell. But my mom assured me that he was going to say yes or just go in general.” Miller said, sliding next to Ezra and leaning his back against the bookshelf.

“I came back home because I wanted to get married here.” Miller said and Ezra smiled. The idea of Miller getting married to the man she loved was just heartwarming. Miller was always a joker, a good guy, everyone loved him. Even if there were times that Miller constantly pushed for her anxiety attacks, she was thankful to have had him as a close friend.

Miller always had trouble when it comes to getting it with girls. Back then he’d scout for the hottest girls but he wouldn’t make a move. He’d just see them and not even think anything further. It was there that Miller began to question what his sexuality really is and as he experimented the summer before freshman year he was able to discover what he truly was, a man who simply wanted to love and be loved and had hoped to marry and start a family one day.

And finally, here he was, building up the ceremony that would lock in his dream. Ezra felt happy for him, and she was glad to have come home and discovered this.

“I’m glad you’re here, I didn’t know what your address in the city was. I was going to ask your mom after I was done here but since I saw you now I can invite you personally.” Miller said and Ezra smiled. “Count me in always.” Ezra said with a smile. “Why are you in the library?” Ezra asked and Miller laughed. “You always have a question, don’t you?” Miller teased.

“I was going to see if they had any bridal magazines that are up to date. The one in the grocery was from the 80s and why it hasn’t been removed is beyond me.” Miller said and Ezra smiled. “I’m glad you’re happy.” Ezra said as she looked at her old friend.

She was truly happy for Miller, and it had been proven with his face.

  
**October 13, 2005**  
**Little Falls**

Miller felt his sweat dripping. It wasn’t because of the weather, it was because he felt caught. He sat there, staring at the man next to him wondering if this man was going to run outside of the locker room of the gym and tell the entire town his secret.

“Fuck off, fag!” the man yelled before stepping out. Miller felt his heart pound.

Is he going to tell? Miller thought as he slowly tried to find all the strength he could get to stand up. He slowly walked towards the door and tried to listen to the voices outside.

“Nah, I just left my phone in there.”

Miller heard the man’s voice. And it was slowly fading. Trying not to freak out (despite it being too late) Miller walked out of the locker room and looked at everyone. Everything was still the same. There were no eyes directly piercing at him. There were no men whispering to one another as their eyes remained fixated on him. There was no sign that the man had told them anything.

Miller felt a small sigh of relief. He escaped that one completely. He was so close to being told of… Well.. Whatever he was. Miller himself wasn’t even sure exactly what he was, why he did what he did.

“Miller!” Ezra’s voice echoed throughout the hallway. Miller saw Ezra and Sebastian at the end of the hallway waving to them. He had completely forgotten that he was going to meet up with them. Trying to muster up whatever calmness he has left, Miller fixed himself as he walked towards his friends. They had concerned and confused looks on their faces, and Miller read them well.

“You okay?” Sebastian asked and Miller nodded his head. “You’re sweating.” Ezra commented as she was about to put a hand on his forehead to check his temperature, Ezra swatted it away and told her to leave him alone. “I-I.. I’m sorry.” Ezra apologized, feeling a bit terrified. Sebastian simply stood there confused and unsure of what exactly to respond.

“I’ll just meet with you guys later okay?” Miller said and walked out, leaving his two friends the same, confused.

-

After catching up more with Miller at the library, Ezra and him stood up and exchanged goodbyes, with Miller promising to drop by the formal invitation to his wedding the following day. Ezra spent a few more hours at the library, reading up on classics before she decided to check-out Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. With the book in hand she stepped outside the library and the breeze was colder than usual.

_If you see her say, Hello,_  
_Just don’t tell me, I told you so_  
_Joni wrote Blue in her house by the sea_  
_I gotta believe there’s another color waiting on me_  
_To set me free_

Hugging the book closer to her chest Ezra took a walk around town. Familiar faces surfaced but none of them paid attention to her or even recognized her. Ezra wasn’t an outcast, nor was she some lame loser in high school but she stayed low most of the time, with the exception of being a valedictorian of course.

Ezra found herself stopping in front of Sebastian’s house. She stood by the fence looking at the empty home. It seemed like even Sebastian’s mom wasn’t around at all. She sighed as she began to remember the times when she felt like escaping the world all she had to do was open her window and talk to Sebastian or even just walk up the front door of his home, ring the bell and get inside and run up straight to his room.

She had missed him. She wasn’t going to deny that fact. She missed him truly. There was no doubt in her mind. She had a lot of regrets, and keeping Sebastian out of her life for the previous years was one of them. She knew that one day she would shun everyone in her past but she never pictured Sebastian being one of those people that she used to know back in the day yet here she was now.

Sighing and feeling tired of pitying herself, Ezra placed the book in her bag and walked the opposite direction, back to where all the lights were in the town. There she entered a bar she had once tried to enter with Sebastian and Miller. One that gave her that awkward phase in life.

 **June 4, 2005**  
**Little Falls - Outside Keith’s Bar**

“I can’t believe you’re being a dick.” Miller said, drunk, trying to get the words out of his mouth. Keith, the owner of the only bar in Little Town shook his head. “You are already drunk. And even if you weren’t, you aren’t old enough to even step foot inside this bar. Go home Miller.” Keith said and Sebastian was latched onto the only sober one in their group, Ezra.

“Come on Keith, don’t be such a killjoy.” Sebastian said, as every word was followed by hiccups. “No.” Keith said and stepped back inside the bar. Frustrated and drunk, Miller flung the empty bottle of whiskey he raided from his father’s collection at the closed door of Keith’s Bar. “Fine! Assholes!” Miller yelled.

“Come on you guys, you need to sober up.” Ezra said and Miller just waved a hand.

The two were drunk out of their minds, but they were simply celebrating. Or at least trying to.

Miller’s parents were away, and his dad had a collection of whiskey. Without thinking and wanting to silently punish his parents, Miller raided his father’s whiskey collection. Ezra was the only one who refused to drink but Sebastian was up for it, and with that they went through the bottles like they were nothing, and eventually got faced.

The trio walked up to the empty playground. Ezra was struggling with Sebastian, making sure he wouldn’t fall flat on his face as she tried her best to keep him stable and assure his face wouldn’t meet the floor. She placed him by the swings, trying her best to make sure he wouldn’t fall backwards on the swing, while in the distance, Miller kept singing to himself.

“Come on Eileen! Oh, I swear what he means!” Miller kept singing and singing, there really wasn’t anyone around to even to hear him. “You in that dress, my thoughts I confess!” Miller was now singing to an empty park bench.

“Sebastian!” Ezra yelled as Sebastian fell off the swing, laughing. Feeling a bit agitated, Ezra tried to pull him up but she couldn’t. She was too small compared to him. “Ezra come here!” Sebastian said as he pulled her to lay next to him on the sand, staring at the sun.

“Wow… The stars are amazing…” Ezra said and Sebastian smiled.

 _Come on Eileen_  
_Oh, I swear what he means_  
_Ahh, come on let’s take off everything_  
_That pretty red dress_

“They’re so small…” Sebastian said, commenting on the small things sparkling from the sky. Ezra sighed. She felt a sort of sadness that she couldn’t explain, not even to someone like Sebastian. She couldn’t put a finger on what it was. She was just as unsure as the next person, and all she could do was wonder.

“I wonder how the dark could be so frightening when it has all the beautiful things, like the stars and the moon. And the serene sound of silence that you can’t get when it’s the day and everyone is bustling around.” Ezra commented and Sebastian had his eyes fixated on her. He was drunk, but he felt a tad bit conscious enough to recognize who was speaking.

“So much beauty…” Sebastian whispered. Ezra oblivious, continued to stare at the moon. “I know… It’s so beautiful tonight.” Ezra said unaware of Sebastian’s stare.

“Hey! I found gum!” Miller yelled from a distance. Ezra sat up. “Miller don’t eat that!” Ezra yelled, as Miller was under the park bench. Sebastian sat up slowly as well, his eyes still fixated on Ezra.

“I love you.”

Ezra turned, surprised. She found Sebastian looking at her. Her mind confused. She felt like her ears were playing tricks on her.

“What…?” Ezra whispered.

Sebastian smiled, a drunk smile. And he found himself laying back down, his eyes closed.

“I love you.”

He repeated.

Ezra’s face more confused as ever. Her head began to feel a bit light, her heart pounding.

“What did you say…?” Ezra asked in whisper. Sebastian simply smiled.

“I love you, silly girl.” Sebastian replied, his eyes still closed. Ezra stared at her feet. Inside she felt bliss, her emotions were riding sky high. But in her mind, she knew it was all false. That Sebastian was just drunk and that she should get over what he had just told her. That she should know better than to listen to a drunk man’s words.

“Say it again…” Ezra asked, one last assurance.

“The night is beautiful.” Sebastian replied.

-

Inside Keith’s Bar was foreign to Ezra. This was the very first time she had the opportunity to even enter it. There were a couple of people inside, the music was very low, people were minding their own business. The TV at the back corner had the sports channel on but it was on mute, no one was even paying attention to it at all. The bartender was busy talking to one of its patrons.

It wasn’t what she had pictured. But then again, the first bar she ever entered was in Manhattan and not Little Falls. She sat at the bar stool contemplating what to drink.

“What do you want?” the bartender approached.

“Tequila Sunrise.” Ezra said the first thing in mind. The bartender went off to make what she had requested. Ezra continued to scan the place as she placed her bag on the bar. She recognized almost everyone in the bar.

By the bar stools sat three people. One was the mechanic, the other two were the couple who owned the antique shop behind the library. At the corner booth was a group of four, they were former classmates of Ezra whom she wasn’t close with and most likely wouldn’t even remember her name, she didn’t remember theirs either. At one of the tables was an old man who was known to be the town drunk. As cliche as it was, they had one of those but it wasn’t always his fault.

His wife died at childbirth and his baby was only two days old before he died too. He was playing with the empty peanut shells all alone. Lonely. At another table was one of the cashier’s from the local grocery store, she had an angry look on her face as her fingers were violently punching through her phone, probably having an argument over text.

And there was one more patron behind her, but his back was turned and Ezra figured it was another classmate of hers. Before she could decipher the other two patrons her order came up. The bartender placed the drink in front of her and Ezra took a sip. Trying to hold in a poker face, she had to admit that the Tequila Sunrise in this bar was horrible compared to what she usually had in Manhattan.

Maybe Manhattan had spoiled her.

Ezra continued to sip her drink, pulling out The Bell Jar from her bag, she flipped through the pages. She had reread The Bell Jar numerous times and every time she got it she simply flips through then stops at random then reads from there. She sat there for 30 minutes, soaking in the balance between a good book and the disgusting taste of her Tequila Sunrise.

Despite the distractions she had from the book her mind was elsewhere. Every five minutes she kept looking up the clock, wondering if it was 12 midnight already, wanting the day to get over. But to her dismay, it was only 8:49 PM and the time had felt slower and slower with each look, it was as if it was mocking her at this point.

Sighing, she took the last sip of the drink, with an instant regret shot up, and grabbed her things. Headed for the door it wasn’t until she realized she had left the book that she turned around.

Stopping in her tracks something had came over her. It was as if she was wishing that when she spun around that she would bump into a familiar face. But she didn’t. The bar was the same, the people were the same, except this time the town drunk was asleep on peanut shells. She grabbed the book and exited the bar, walking slowly home.

She contemplated heading back to Manhattan. Ever since she left she didn’t bother to check her phone. It was pinging like crazy but she decided to ignore it. If it was Larissa, she’d had a SWAT team up her house by now but knowing Larissa, she was probably somewhere in the caribbean sipping exotic liquor and men.

At approximately 9:15 PM Ezra was at the door at her home. Her mother was asleep for sure so lifting the rug she grabbed the spare key and unlocked their home door. She placed the book on the table by the side of the door and headed straight up to her room. Taking off her jacket, she walked towards her bed and began to lift off her shoes.

The didn’t bother turning on the lights, letting the brightness of the moon do its work. But it was brighter than usual. Stopping herself from taking off the left shoe, she slowly raised her head. Her eyes fixated on the window where the bright light came from.

Maybe it was the alcohol in her system.

Maybe it was because she had felt light headed.

Maybe it was because she had missed him.

Whatever it was, in his room, there he was.

 _I don’t need a pill_  
_Don’t need a drink to wash you down_  
_The way you make me feel_  
_Has got me high up off the ground_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: If there is anyone out there, I know that my chapters have become less and less but I'm at that point where writing is getting harder and I'm about to become busy real soon. Hopefully I will do better in the next chapter, also, get ready for more Sebastian now.


	5. Lighthouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: If I even have any readers, I know its been a while, I have been distracted by responsibilities.

_Building with a hundred floors_  
_Swinging around revolving doors_  
_Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but,_  
_Gotta keep moving on, moving on,_  
_Fly away, breakaway_

**June 14, 2010  
NoMad Bar, New York - 9:49 PM**

Ezra was new to New York. She didn’t go to the city as much unless she was with Sebastian. Especially if it involved bars. She decided to go to the first bar she glanced. It wasn’t packed like the other bars, it wasn’t all too noisy either. It was a diverse mix of people. Some looked like they should be out partying in Beverly Hills, others looked like they knew every inch of New York, and others simply blended in the mix. She saw a few of her co-workers drinking, she recognized them from Revolution.

Entering, she immediately sat at the far end of the bar. The atmosphere suddenly became a little mellow and but the volume of the voices were still the same. Ezra sat at the bar, not sure what to even get. The bartenders weren’t even paying attention to her, even in a bar she was invisible.

From a far distance a tall blonde was sipping into a margarita, her eyes moved towards the other end of the bar. Her group was busy talking about fashion but her mind drifted elsewhere when she saw Ezra at the end of the bar.

“Hey!” she called out towards a bartender.

On Ezra’s side, she was feeling more down than she was. She didn’t even feel happy for herself when she got the job at Vinyl. Her boss felt like she was too demanding, and their side of the office had to share with the people who worked at Revolution. A fashion magazine that was way off for her. Fashion wasn’t something she troubled herself with. The division between their offices were so evident.

But Ezra took the job, moved to New York, wanting to take a fresh start where she didn’t have to know anyone but herself. Sighing, she finally felt ready to order a drink, but she didn’t have a particular one in mind yet. But a bartender walked up to her, placed a margarita in front of her with a napkin next to it.

“Um, I didn’t order this.” Ezra said, confused. The bartender ignored her and immediately walked off to another patron. Ezra looked at the glass. She didn’t really expect a margarita to be this much. She noticed the napkin next to it had writing.

_Welcome to New York, new girl._

Ezra turned to the other end of the bar, towards the small group chatting that worked at the same office space as she did. None of them were looking at her, she wondered who but she decided to just sip it slowly in peace. Somehow it made her feel better.

-

Ezra sat on her bed, frozen. It was like she just saw a ghost. She felt cold sweat slide from her forehead. She felt a bit lightheaded, she wasn’t sure if what she was seeing was even true. Across the other room that was once empty, stood a living creature. One that was taking off what seemed to be a tie, despite the distance Ezra could see the tired in his eyes, the stress lingering around like a cloud. Soon after the creature had disappeared. And Ezra felt herself choking on air, which seemed impossible yet that’s how it felt.

She laid down on her bed slowly, followed by slow breathing. She closed her eyes and chanted a mantra of calm and peace in her mind. After a minute, she slowly slide herself up, propping her elbows. She looked across and it was dark, empty like it was.

Ezra sighed.

Not of relief but of disappointment. Her eyes felt completely tired. She laid back down, thinking it was just the alcohol and her body feeling tired. She closed her eyes and tried to get into a dream she had always wanted to have again, and maybe that night was the night.

“Sebastian…” Escaped from her lips as she drifted away.

_If I ever get around to living_  
_It’s gonna be just like I dreamed_  
_I’m gonna take the love I’m given_  
_And set it free_

Ezra’s eyes slowly opened. It wasn’t as bright as she expected. She actually thought for a split second that she had overslept but the sound of rain hitting her window made her realize that the weather was a gloomy one. Just like her dream.

Dark, empty, grey.

She had not dreamt of anything. It was as if she had closed her eyes and opened them only to see that it was raining and there was more light outside. Ezra sighed once again, and again, not of relief. Slowly getting up Ezra tried to ease herself, for some reason she had felt as if she has a massive hangover. She didn’t drink as much yet there she was, feeling as if she plastered herself the previous night.

Getting into her bathroom, Ezra put her fingers beneath her eyes, pulling the skin down and revealing the red inside of her skin. Her eyes were bloodshot red, but it was most likely because for some mysterious reason, sleeping had made her feel even more tired. Walking over to her bed, she grabbed her phone and was opened to over 758 messages, and over a hundred missed calls.

Ezra felt a panic attack slowly creeping. Or maybe it was an anxiety attack. She wasn’t quite sure. Ezra, again, sighed. Opening the missed calls they were all from Olivia and a couple were from Larissa. There was no voice messages but the texts would probably explain enough.

As she slid her finger towards the speech bubble icon on her iPhone, she opened to see messages from Larissa, her landlady, Olivia and a couple promo messages from a random pet magazine she had subscribed to after feeling bad for the salesman, whom she invited inside her home after he broke down in tears towards her because his cat died and his wife left him.

Olivia’s messages mostly consisted of _Where the fuck are you?_ and _Why have a phone when you won’t answer!_ Then there were the messages from Larissa that basically just said how Larissa was feeling ignored because Ezra wasn’t picking up her phone and that Larissa arrived at the office and no one was there to greet her and that she was asking where she was and _if this is a vacation I forgot that I signed off on then enjoy yourself love and bring me something good, I expect gifts!_ were to be her messages exactly.

Ezra sighed in relief knowing her best friend was just hysterical and her boss was unaware that like her, Ezra took off. But Ezra was going to use it to her advantage, it wasn’t like there was anything to do. The message from Ezra’s landlady simply stated that she was going away and that they should slide their rent payments under the door in an envelope with their names.

Distracted by her phone. Ezra didn’t see nor feel the eyes that was carefully watching her, as she had furrowed eyebrows, eyes concentrated on a small object in which her fingers slide across to read messages.

-

A couple of hours later, Ezra returned Larissa’s messages through voicemail, texted her landlady that she was going to pay as soon as she got back and basically ignored Olivia’s messages. She walked into her bathroom and took a long soak before walking down the stairs in an oversized Spiderman shirt and Scooby-Doo pajama bottoms. It was quite cold, and Ezra enjoyed the feeling of the weather, she felt a bit relaxed.

Walking into the kitchen her mother wasn’t around, but at the center of the table was a note.

_Playing poker at work with workmates, there is food for you to cook or simply eat. Love you!_

Ezra crumpled the paper and threw it in the trash. Opening the fridge her eyes scanned through the contents. Nothing really appealed to her, but then again Ezra wasn’t even hungry to begin with.

Closing the fridge she stepped into the living room, flipping through channels and there was nothing interesting either. Ezra yawned, feeling tired despite her long sleep. Again, it wasn’t really much of sleep anyway. Scratching her head, she suddenly remember what she had saw last night.

A lightbulb lit up in her mind, but Ezra wasn’t sure if she was even going to do what she was thinking. Ezra wasn’t an impulsive person, despite the impulse of going back home out of the blue after so many years, but she was not impulsive. But maybe there were exceptions.

Ezra stepped out from the kitchen door. As soon as her foot stepped out of her house, there was a sudden urge of regret. The door closed behind her and Ezra didn’t even have a key. The kitchen back door locked from the inside whenever the door was closed. And she knew that the front door would be locked, and so would the windows.

Now she stood at the back of the house, rain pouring while she was in her pjs, very thin ones too. And she was barefoot. Ezra just wanted to bang her head against the door. With her arms crossed on her body, she looked towards the house next to her and wondered if there was someone there that could help.

Sebastian’s mom was there, that she knew. But she knew Sebastian’s mom, she wouldn’t have been home. But Ezra did know where they hid the spare key, and Sebastian’s mom constantly told Ezra to always feel at home. Ezra ran across towards the other house, at the back she pulled the key from behind the pipeline by the door, and opened the back door and immediately got inside, locking the door from behind.

Sighing, this time in relief. Ezra placed the key on the counter and walked towards the living room. There was a blanket, and feeling extremely tired, Ezra took the blanket and laid down on the couch, the stairs behind the couch felt appealing to go up but Ezra was too tired to even take a few more steps. She immediately fell to sleep when her skin touched the couch.

-

_You’re mine, my baby and you’ll always be_  
_I swear by everything I own_  
_You’ll always, always be mine_

**June 30, 2010  
Vinyl Publishing Office - 11:48 AM**

A few more minutes and lunch break. Ezra had spent the first few hours of work doing what should have been Larissa’s job, but considering her boss just took off with some rich Arabian prince, she didn’t really have a choice. If Larissa got fired, she would most likely get fired too. Or just lose a job she just got all together. Slumping back on her chair, Ezra let out a yawn and stretched her arms.

“Hey there!” Olivia immediately sat on her desk, her legs crossed and her blonde locks shining from the sunlight that beamed through the office. Olivia was sipping on iced coffee as she flipped through Ezra’s paperwork. “So I guess your boss isn’t around?” Olivia asked and Ezra nodded her head. “Sweetie, you realize that it doesn’t matter what time you take a break considering your boss is M.I.A. right?” Olivia asked and Ezra never really thought about it that way.

“I like to follow rules.” Ezra said and Olivia smiled. “Who are you again?” Ezra asked and Olivia smiled after taking a long sip. “Olivia Tate!” Olivia said enthusiastically as she put her hand out for Ezra to shake. Ezra reluctantly shook her hand. “My name is-” before Ezra could finish Olivia had finished for her “Sterling, I know who you are.” Olivia said and Ezra felt confused. “I know almost everyone here. Did you like the drink I sent over last night?” Olivia asked and Ezra smiled. “Thanks for that.” She replied and Olivia took one last sip before dropping the now ice-only filled cup in the trash bin.

“Let’s go!” Olivia said as she grabbed Ezra’s hand, not even waiting for her to say anything and simply dragging her away. Ezra was unsure where she was going except that Olivia was dragging her blocks away from their office. Ezra couldn’t really complain, she felt happy to just have a friend. After a few minutes of continuous dragging, they arrived at a small bistro. They sat on the first two seats they could find and were immediately given a menu. “Don’t worry, my treat!” Olivia said as she flashed her shiny credit card. Ezra felt relieved, she had just started working and wasn’t really in a spending mood.

While they waited for their meals, they were handed sangrias and Ezra took a sip and was taken aback at the flavor rush that went through her mouth. Her facial expression was like entertainment for Olivia. She chucked at Ezra’s expression. “You’re such a doll! God, it's like a newborn baby you are just so adorable!” Olivia said as she took another sip of her own drink. “So, tell me a little about yourself darling.” Olivia leaned forward, eager to listen to what would come out of Ezra’s mouth.

Ezra gave an innocent yet confused smile towards Olivia. Clearing her throat, Olivia thought that Ezra was about to say something but it was clear that she wasn’t when for the next two minutes, nothing came out of her mouth. “Well?” Olivia chuckled as she looked at Ezra. “Well.. I come from a little town, called Little Falls.” Ezra began and Olivia nodded her head in agreement. “Um… I… I don’t want to talk about myself.” Ezra said and Olivia sighed.

“Relax, just tell me whatever you want to say. There’s no pressure. I just want to get to know you.” Olivia said and Ezra wondered. “Why?” she asked and Olivia shrugged. “I have this vibe that you’re interesting.” Olivia said and Ezra scoffed. “Vibe?” she mocked and Olivia nodded her head. “I’m usually good at feeling out whether I’m going to get along with someone and for me I feel like you and I will get along.” Olivia said and Ezra smiled a bit. “I also know that something is bothering you. And I want to be nice and give you the opportunity to have someone to talk to about it.” Olivia said and Ezra smiled.

“It’s just…” Ezra began and Olivia leaned forward once again. Ezra sighed, rubbing her hands roughly together she wasn’t really sure if she wanted anyone to know how she was feeling but there was this stranger right in front of her who was willing to pay attention. In a city that’s full of busy people who couldn’t even give Ezra 30 seconds in their lives to pay attention, there was this one person who was willing to give hours of her time to Ezra.

“A lot has happened. Me moving to New York was somewhat planned and at the same time it wasn’t.” Ezra started. “I lost my dad. I don’t want to get into it. I was in Toronto, I was supposed to study there but I couldn’t even make it to the first week of class. I moved out and moved here without letting anyone know. I left an important person in Little Falls.” Ezra said and Olivia had a serious look on her face. She knew that something was bothering Ezra from last night when she saw Ezra alone at the bar. Then, she was contemplating whether she was going to approach Ezra but something in her had sad no, that Ezra needed alone time. And so she respected this gut feeling and sent over a drink instead.

“This person is really important to me and this person is that type of person you’d expect to cry on. This person is my shoulder to cry on but even I think that maybe I screwed over this person too much with the decisions I made. I feel like, I made this person feel bad and that I wasn’t a good friend to them. Ultimately, I just suck as a person.” Ezra said, tears forming on her eyes. Olivia wanted to cry too, she had felt so bad and never expected someone like Ezra was feeling this way.

“I’m sorry.” Olivia said and Ezra nodded. “So this person, how important are they to you?” Olivia asked. Ezra’s eyes were fixated on the cold glass of water on the table. She was smiling and she didn’t even know it. “Very.” Ezra responded. “How very important are they?” Olivia asked with a smile.

“The way they care for me. I get along with this person so much. We love to listen to music a lot. It’s like we have our own little world really. Always finds a way for me to feel good about myself, always was a good person. People don’t know this person the way I do. This person lets me in, let’s me understand, let’s me appreciate them. Appreciate them the way they should be appreciated.” Ezra was smiling with her lips, but her eyes were sad.

This was something Olivia noticed. Despite the smile on Ezra’s lips, her eyes were loud enough to scream that she wasn’t happy. Olivia knew that whoever this person she spoke of was, that it was best not to bring it up again. She could feel the pain Ezra was feeling all the way from where she was seated, and Olivia knew that it was better for Ezra to leave it where it was and start her life. Ezra may not have known it herself, but Olivia could tell that Ezra wanted to start fresh. And coming to New York was that start.

-

She didn’t know what time it was, but she knew it was late. The rain was pouring really hard, the loud sound from the rain woke Ezra up. She sat up, stretching. For some odd reason she felt more tired than she was earlier. The house was dark and approaching the window she could see light from the kitchen. Her mother was home. Sighing in relief Ezra was about to make her way to the back door until she heard a loud sound that was coming from upstairs, it had sounded like something had broken.

Ezra stood still. Every inch of her body screaming at her, telling her to run, run like she had never before. It was a cold night but Ezra could already feel sweat dripping from her forehead. Trying to stay calm, she tried to cancel out the noise from the rain to listen careful.

_Shit_

She heard someone cuss. There was definitely someone else there. In her mind it was a random criminal, who, if she made any noise, would come down and kill her.

 _If I move, he’ll hear. He’ll kill me. He’ll bury me and write a fake note to my mom saying I moved back to New York but really he killed me and I’m buried in the backyard._ Ezra thought.

Ezra began to think of ways this criminal was going to kill her. It wasn’t until the sound of footsteps echoing from the stairs did she realize that there was something more important than picturing how a criminal was going to murder her. She immediately ran into the kitchen, freaking out and looking for whatever she could use to defend herself. Opening a drawer she grabbed a ladle.

“Well, I guess this is how I’m going to die.” Ezra said to herself as she stared at the innocent weapon. For a kitchen, knives were surely hidden safely. She could hear footsteps approaching, they were getting louder and louder. Letting out a tiny strained sound, Ezra began to call out every saint that her grandmother told her about and begged them to spare her. Preparing to attack, the lights flickered open and with her eyes closed, Ezra screamed and threw the ladle at the perpetrator.

“What the fuck?!” A man’s voice spoke and Ezra was by the fridge. Down with her head ducked between her legs and her arms covering her head. “Ezra?” A familiar voice spoke and Ezra slowly opened her eyes. She looked up from the floor and it felt like a horrible nightmare.

“Hi Sebastian…” she greeted innocently.

Sebastian looked fantastic.

That was all Ezra could really take at that moment. Sebastian in a wifebeater, boxers and for some odd reason socks and slippers, he still looked fantastic. He looked as if he had just woken up. Ezra realized she was still on the floor when Sebastian approached her and let out a hand to help her up. She cleared her throat as she stood up and she could now see clearly that she should have joined the softball team. There was a red mark on Sebastian’s forehead, most likely from the giant ladle that she thought would instantly kill criminals when used as a weapon.

“Oh god I did that, I’m sorry.” Ezra apologized as she cringed at the fact that she had just thrown a ladle at her best friend.

_Best friend…_

A description of Sebastian she had not used in a long time. She wasn’t even sure if she could still call him that. She sighed at the idea that things were different now. But inside of her, she was glad she had finally seen him.

“What are you doing here?” Sebastian asked as he bent down to pick up the ladle.

 _What am I doing here? What? No hello? No how are you?_ Ezra thought as she watched Sebastian place the ladle on the counter. He slowly turned to her. He didn’t seemed as bothered or nervous as she had felt at that exact moment. Her hurling a ladle at Sebastian wasn’t really how she pictured she’d see him again. She never pictured being separated from him in the first place. She knew that at some point in her life she and Sebastian might drift apart as friends, but not like the way she and Sebastian did.

Ezra tried to form words but she wasn’t really sure what to say.

“I need to go.” Ezra said as she raced towards the door. Sebastian wanted to stop her but she ignored him and the fact that it was raining hard and ran towards her house.

Lucky for Ezra the back door was open. She went inside and closed it, locking all locks. She stood there realizing that she had just seen Sebastian again. She never wanted things to be awkward but she had definitely made it possible.

It was confusing.

She didn’t know what she was doing or what was happening. Ezra ran back to Little Falls because she was feeling lost and confused. And now that she knew Sebastian was here, that she had finally seen him after so long, did she finally realize that despite how they were okay the last time they saw each other, that things were still weird. And Ezra knew it was her fault. It was her choice to ignore all Sebastian’s emails, messages, phone calls and even letters. All of those were her choice. She had her mother promise not to tell anyone where she lived, and whenever her mother had visited her for the holidays she came with letters from Sebastian. Handwritten letters that remained unopened inside the third drawer from her dresser.

She made the choice to basically remove everyone that cared about her.

And for what reason exactly?

Even she had no clue.

Ezra walked back to her bedroom. From her door she could see the window to Sebastian’s room. The lights were on and Sebastian seemed to be sweeping. She stood by her door and watched Sebastian look up towards her room. From where she stood, Sebastian couldn’t see her. All he could see was her empty bed. Ezra watched as Sebastian stared at her room, his face showing how bothered he had felt. But it didn’t take long till he exited his bedroom. Taking this opportunity, Ezra pulled the curtains of her bedroom. Something she had not done for almost two decades. Her curtains had remained opened ever since her friendship with Sebastian. She even opted for changing clothes in her bathroom instead of her bedroom. The curtains always remained opened. Sebastian was always the first person she saw in the morning, and the last she had seen at night. But at that moment Ezra didn’t want to see his face. But she knew that after this night, a lot of things were going to change once again, and that everything was going to grow more complicated, and once again she knew she had no one to blame but herself.

_Love, you are foolish you’re tired_  
_Your sleeplessness makes you a liar_  
_The city is burning,_  
_The ocean is turning_  
_Our only chance is the lighthouse_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Hopefully you had enjoyed that despite how short it is (I apologize for how short it is) and as you can see, I'm now putting more Sebastian. I feel like I haven't and its already been five chapters but I'm trying, I just want to establish a little something before we move forward to all the Sebastian of it all =) Next chapter might be a while so I do apologize if I don't update as fast.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this :) You can just look up the lyrics for the song(s) or feel free to ask me :)


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